Back To You
by teelcee
Summary: Mostly Addison and her confused emotions, especially over Alex. Set end of Season 3. Will feauture other characters sometimes. Basically, Addison is hurting about being barren. Alex is there. And will Addison still be leaving for LA?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this is basically the beginning of a random storyline I thought up and decided to write down. I love Addison and Alex. Addison's my favourite character and I'm so upset she's leaving the show...Oh well.. Don't know how long this will end up, because I have so much work to do for school, but we'll see how we go! Enjoy and tell me what you think!**

_'... the truth is the hardest missile one can be pelted with.' - George Eliot_

* * *

As Addison was talking with Callie in the foyer of the Church after the shock surprise at the wedding she heard the irritating yet familiar buzz and beep of her page. 

"Argh," she sighed, "can't get away for even an hour."

She rolled her eyes at Callie before she looked down at her page.

Callie sighed helplessly at her friend, "why did we enter into these professions?"

Addison just looked up at her with exhausted eyes, "I'll catch you later…"

With that she turned on her heel and exited the church.

* * *

2 hours later Addison was exiting the OR after performing an emergency C-Section on a 8 month pregnant woman whose blood pressure had suddenly sky rocketed. She had had to get the baby out of there fast so that the woman wouldn't have a stroke. She hadn't had a proper examination of the baby, he seemed healthy but she didn't want to be too sure, so she headed to the nursery to reassess him. 

As she examined the baby she felt a swelling in his abdomen. He was nearly 6 weeks premature and so tiny. She ordered tests and sat down and waited in an armchair in the nursery until they returned. She relaxed back into the chair but a baby started crying. She got up and took the tiny baby in her arms. She looked at the chart on the end of the cot; baby Ava Cooper.

"Ava, what a pretty name you have their sweetie," Addison cooed to the tiny infant in her arms as she rocked back and forth to soothe the baby, "yes you do, you do have such a pretty name…" The baby's screams began to cease and she began to fall asleep. Addison kept rocking her back and forth, she hadn't realized she was crying until a tear dropped down onto the baby's blanket.

She would never have this. She still couldn't believe that she was barren. Her mind raced back to when she found out she was pregnant with Mark's child. She would have kept the child now, regardless of who the father was. She signed heavily as she placed the baby back in the crib.

As she turned around she was startled to see Alex Karev standing in the doorway.

"Alex…what are you doing here?" Her initial shock wearing off as she realized she was the one to send him here in the first place, "I thought you would be with your beloved Jane Doe," she added with a hint of sarcasm, as she brushed the tears from her eyes, not wanting him to see her so vulnerable.

"Turns out I missed her. Too late." Alex shot out somewhat defensively, he noticed something was wrong and added, "are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine, just tired. That's too bad," Addison replied as she sat down in the arm chair again.

"Yeah, I guess it is. I mean, what was I thinking anyway? She was a patient…" he trailed off, then started again, "why are you back again so soon? Shouldn't you be at the wedding?"

"Turns out the wedding didn't happen, and I got called back for an emergency C." Addison closed her eyes as she leant back in the chair, fatigue creeping over her.

"Wedding was off, damn I always miss the good stuff." Alex perched himself on the chair opposite Addison. "Is the mother and baby ok from your emergency?"

Addison looked at him, got caught in his stare… "ah, oh, um yeah, mother's stable now, the baby is six weeks prem though and I'm worried about a possible haematoma in his bowel."

"Really, that's too bad, nothing you can't fix though." He added with a smile. "Hey are you sure you're ok you look a little upset? You've been quiet since you've got back from your trip to LA." He looked at her, his brow furrowed.

Addison looked at him, he was genuinely concerned. "Yeah, well…" Addison trailed off as she felt the tears coming and her throat choking up. She swallowed hard, trying to make the emotions go away, 'not now!' she thought to herself pleadingly. It was too late, the tears began to flow freely down her face. "I'm, I'm fine."

Alex stood up really concerned now, he hadn't really seen her like this before. Not this upset. He walked over and perched himself on the arm of her chair and put his arm around her. His fingers tangling up the hair at her neck. "What's wrong Addison, you can tell me, you can trust me."

Addison looked up at him, the tears blearing her vision. She blinked and stared clearly now, straight into his eyes. He stared back. For that one moment, she felt safe, she felt comfortable and sad all at the same time. She looked down again. "I, well I found out something I didn't want to hear."

"Oh, is, um, is everything alright?" Alex spoke lightly, trying not push her.

"Well I'm fine, but, but…I'm barr…I'm freaking barren." Addison eventually blurted out followed by a huge sob. "I've never wanted a baby until now, and the time finally comes when I think I'm ready, but no, I'm freaking barren and can't have a baby. I'm still young…I thought I had time…" She took another breath and started sobbing again.

Alex tightened his arms around her and this time moved his body down so that he could hold her. Alex was shocked, that was the last thing he had expected to hear. He didn't know what to say, how to comfort her. "Shhh, shhh, calm down, just breathe. It will be ok Addie, there's other options you know…But right now, just breathe…shhhh." He stroked her hair and then turned her around and held his face in her hands and brushed away her tears. He leant forward and brushed his lips gently over her forehead.

Addison leant into his chest and just leant there, sobbing for the next few minutes, as he comfortingly consoled her and rubbed her back. Eventually she calmed down and looked up at him, embarrassed. "God, I'm a mess, I shouldn't have told you, why would you want to know…"

"Addie, I would want to know, because I care about you. I do. I wouldn't have asked what was wrong if I hadn't wanted to know." He just kept stroking her hair for another 10 minutes or so.

Eventually she sat up and wiped her eyes and pulled her hair back. "I'm just going to go to the bathroom, wash my face, get changed. Then you're coming with me to Joe's. I need a drink." She stood up, her scrubs terribly crinkled and walked slowly out of the nursery.

Alex also stood up. He glanced around the nursery then began to walk through the rows of tiny babies sleeping in their cribs. He occasionally lent down and tickled or stroked a baby on the head.

He liked kids, he thought to himself, he had even hoped to have them one day.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So this is a quick update, but I'm not sure it's always going to be this fast, I will try my best though. I'm in my final year at school though and I'm on exam break at the moment and I only have one easy one left later this week. I hope that you enjoy this, thanks for all your reviews, keep them coming!**

* * *

_'Some desire is necessary to keep life in motion.' – Samuel Johnson _

* * *

A warm gush of air escaped from inside onto Addison and Alex's faces as they entered Joe's Bar. It was busy inside, and after a moment Addison realized that half the people at the wedding were here. After another moment she spotted the group of familiar doctors over at a corner table playing darts. Meredith was sitting dejectedly at the table, staring into her glass as she stirred the ice around again and again with her straw. Addison looked at her confused. Mark was playing darts with Izzie Stevens and they were both laughing, but Izzie seemed to be somewhat distracted. 

Alex gently grabbed her arm as he directed her over to the bar and ordered them drinks from Joe.

"Shame about the wedding, huh?" Joe asked them as he served their drinks.

"Yeah…It is." Addison replied absent mindedly. They took their drinks and walked over to the other three doctors. Addison sat down next to Meredith.

"Everything ok?" Addison questioned lightly.

Meredith looked up from her drink. She looked strained and emotionally exhausted, Addison thought. "Yeah. I think I'm ok. I don't know…" Meredith faltered before resuming her ice swirling.

Addison looked at her for a while before asking again, "How's Cristina? Is she…" Addison thought about the correct word to use, "…managing?"

"Well, Burke shocked her. She really didn't expect that. I don't think anyone did. If anyone had been expecting anyone to call it off, they all thought it was Cristina. She's…upset, confused, but sort of relieved?" Meredith looked up, trying to see the understanding in Addison that she was having so much trouble accepting herself.

"I see. Well when you next see her, send her my best Meredith." Addison took a long sip of her drink then placed it on the table, her fingers absentmindedly tracing the rim of the glass. "Are you sure you are ok. You look confused yourself?" Addison probed again.

Meredith looked up at Addison. Addison could see the hurt in her eyes, the struggle, the pain, the love. This girl was full of so much emotion. She could see the confusion underlining it all though. After all Meredith had been through, she had lost trust. And this, Addison thought to herself, had deteriorated her ability to love.

"I'm not sure. I'm really not Addison." Meredith picked up her glass and downed the remains in one gulp. "Anyways, I have to go get back to check on Cristina. Have a nice night." Meredith stood up and put her coat on.

"Thanks Meredith. You too," Addison watched her small frame heave open the door and leave. She never thought she would ever feel this much concern for Meredith Grey.

Alex came and took Meredith's seat next to Addison. "She ok?"

"I don't know. Don't think she even knows," Addison let out with a sigh.

"And you?" Alex looked up at her again, the concern showing in his crinkled brow.

"I'm better now, I think. At least for the moment," Addison replied as she held up her glass and winked before taking a long drink. She looked up at Alex and laughed.

Mark and Izzie came and joined them after finishing their game of darts.

"Reigning champion!" Izzie proclaimed as she sat down.

"Only because I let you win!" Mark complained.

"Oh yeah, that's not for long!" Alex provoked.

"Oh, Alex wants take the champion on does he?" Izzie called back just as coolly.

"You bet." Alex put his beer down and gave Addison's shoulder a squeeze before getting up. Mark caught this action and he felt the familiar pang of jealousy hit him.

"So how was the wedding?" Mark asked as he took a swig from his beer.

"Oh you know, wonderful. Bride didn't make it down the isle, and I was called back to the hospital before I even left the church," Addison laughed.

"Usual Seattle excitement didn't fail this time then I assume," Mark replied with a smirk. Before adding, "so you and Karev, huh Addie? Like a bit of the intern action yourself do you?" Mark grinned at her.

Addison looked at him in disbelief before laughing. "Oh and you're one to talk? As if you're not lusting after Stevens this very night!" Addison smiled devilishly before straightening her face, "And for the record, Karev and I are just friends. We work together."

Mark drank the remains of his beer then stood up and began to put his coat on, "Oh I'm sure that's what it is Addie…That's what they all say." Addison swallowed the lump in her throat while Mark turned around and said good bye to the competing interns behind him. "Anyway, have a good night Addie. Look after yourself."

"Yeah you too Mark," Addison waved her hand slightly as he walked away. She then turned her attention to Izzie and Alex behind her. They were so naturally happy together, and it looked so easy. She stood up and walked over to Alex.

"I'm going to take off now. I'm tired. And have work in the morning anyway, so I'll see you there?" Addison hated that she sounded so pathetic.

Alex looked up at her, a little disappointed, "Oh, ok. You sure you don't want me to take you home?"

"Thanks Alex, but I'll be fine. I'm a big girl," she added with a smile.

Izzie watched on with a cheeky smirk on her face.

"Ok, if you're sure…See you tomorrow then. Night," Alex gave her a hug.

Addison flushed slightly embarrassed in front of Izzie who she could see smirking behind Alex.

"You too Alex," and she turned around and left Joe's.

She stood in the car park for a moment and looked up at the city around her. She looked across as the bright lights of the hospital. She let out a deep sigh as she got in the car and sat at the wheel a moment longer before deciding where she was going to drive.


	3. Chapter 3

_'You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition' - Alan Alda_

* * *

Addison wondered what exactly it was she was going as she drove up the long driveway, the gravel and twigs crunching under the car wheels. It was nearly midnight after all. She turned the last bend and slowly brought the car to a stop, next to the other parked car. Addison opened the door and placed her glamorously heeled foot onto the leafy ground. She got out, tightened her coat around her and stared up at the lonely looking trailer.

The screen door swung open and Derek came out looking confused. Addison wasn't going to lie; she saw the hope in his eyes fade when she saw it was him. But after a minute, as he pulled his hands through his hair, he smiled at her. That charming smile. Addison smiled back.

"Hey," she said, still smiling. She walked slowly up to the stairs of the verandah and sat down on the edge, swinging her legs. She took her shoes off and stretched her toes.

"I always wondered how you managed to stay in them all day," Derek spoke quietly as he sat down next to her on the verandah.

Addison laughed. She looked across at him and saw that he was hunched over. He didn't look like the happy guy she had seen when she first came to Seattle to win him back. He wasn't McDreamy anymore.

"Are you alright Derek? I can tell something's up. I know you to well," Addison tried to add humor to the question, knowing all too well that there was in actual fact, something wrong.

"Funny," Derek gave a brief laugh, "I was about to ask you the exact same thing."

They both looked up and laughed at each other for amount. They both realized that it felt good to be able to talk to someone who did know you so well, without the pressures of a relationship anymore. They both knew that they loved each other still, they just weren't _in _love with each other anymore.

The laughter subsided, and Addison continued with her leg swinging, staring out into the darkness around her.

"It's beautiful out here Derek," she cringed inside as she began to feel herself choking up.

"Addison," Derek put his arm around her, "what's wrong?"

She pulled her hair behind her ears and sniffled.

"It's since you got back from LA. I notice these things you know," Derek told her matter-of-factly.

Addison couldn't help but laugh at that. "You do, do you? How very observant of you Dr. Shepard."

"Well, it's what I do best," Derek proclaimed proudly with a smile on his face, "but really, what's up?"

"Turn's out I'm out of time Derek. The clocks stopped ticking. I'm barren." Addison blurted out all at once shocking Derek with her abruptness, "So freaking barren," Addison finished slowly, in a very 'Meredith' way of finishing.

"Addie, that suck's it really does. I know how much you must be hurting," Derek just kept sitting there with her, "I'm really sorry."

Addison was so appreciative that he was the first once to actually come out and say how much it sucked.

"Yeah, it does," she added glumly, "it really does."

They just sat there for a moment in silence, staring out into the darkness surrounding them, the sounds of crickets and a distant flow of water, the only audible sounds. Addison found herself thinking about what could have been, but stopped herself, it never would have been, they both knew that. She was the one who messed up. She knew that, she lived with that guilt everyday. The tears rolled freely down her face and into her lap. She took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. There was no point living in the past. She had to move on now.

"And Dr. Shepard, what is it that's troubling you? I haven't seen you like this since, well, since I was the Ruler of All Things Evil, or Satan, or whatever you called me," Addison added with a laugh.

Derek smiled briefly, but she knew that he was really upset about something. "It's just Meredith, I don't know if we'll make it."

Addison looked at him, shocked, "Derek, I doubt that. You will be fine. You two love each other, it's obvious. Meredith is a very fragile person at the moment though, she's been through so much this last year, I think all you need is time."

Derek nodded slowly, Addison knew she wasn't really getting through to him, she felt helpless and useless that she couldn't help. She was useless she thought to herself, she couldn't even have a child.

Addison reach her arm around Derek and gave him a brief hug, "I know that you will make it through this Derek."

"Thanks Addie, I appreciate that. I wish there was something I could do for you. There are other options though…I didn't even know you wanted a baby, I always thought you were too busy with work," Derek looked up at her.

"Yeah, I guess that's what I thought too, I guess I was just waiting for the right moment, the right time, you know? When it felt right. I well and truly missed that one," Addison felt defeated, hell, she was defeated, who was she kidding.

"Yeah, I guess your right," Derek added gently.

The two just sat there in silence, comfortable in each other's familiar presences and relieved to have an old friend by their side.

* * *

**A/N: Don't worry this is not a Derek/Addison story. I'm not for them as a couple, but for them as friends. I think it's sweet. Hope you enjoy this! Keep reviewing!**


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